Sometimes I’m afraid to get up in the morning. There are certain things about myself that I hate and I don’t think they will ever go away. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to sleep my life away. But then again I don’t want to sleep my life away because there are people out there who believe I’m a nobody and believe I always will be one. I want to prove them wrong. I want them to kick themselves for doubting me and regret belittling in any shape or form. Life is a battle and it sucks when your downs last a hell of a lot longer than your highs do. I have huge expectations and dreams for myself and deep down I guess I always new that I wouldn’t fulfill them but lately is become more and obvious that I probably won’t be who I really want to be deep down. But the scary thing is that I can’t picture myself in the real world. I really can’t. sometimes I think that something is going to happen to me and I’m not talking suicide. That’s not me, I wouldn’t do it. The truth is death is probably my greatest fear. One of the things that has probably helped me make it this far is that I’m a great actress. I’m good at making you believe that I am a very confident person even though in reality I have almost none. I’m good at smiling and laughing on the outside when on the inside I’m dying. I’m good at making you believe that everything’s okay when really my world is crashing down. My eyes say a lot. So most of the time when i am lying, the people who know me the best, mainly my friends, can look into my eyes and know the truth. Most of the time when I tell someone that I’m fine, I’m lying. My fine means that I’m Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional. F.I.N.E. and don’t think that I’m all emo and depressed all of the time. I can be a very happy person and I usually am when I’m around my friends. I’m a VERY hard critic on myself. I mean extremely hard. There probably isn’t one belittling thing that someone can say about me that I haven’t already said to myself. So when people do say things about me, and since I’ve probably already said it to myself, I tend to believe that it’s true even more. I am a negative person and I try to be more positive but change is hard for me. I’m not a persistent person and I tend to give up easily. So all in all I Am My Own Worst Enemy.
Blog Category: Blogging
Playing (Music): Fall Out Boy, duh
Current mood: apathetic
Added on: 16/09/2006 14:37:09
|
