"this time i will be listening" to crap, basically
right now i'm so tired it makes no sense. i already had a 4 hour nap which should cover it, but i think i'll go back to bed in a minute. i had my first real school day this week (been busy with the music production) and now i'm on a holiday. it just doesn't feel like it. everyone expects me to do something during my holiday, teachers think i'll be able to catch everyone up, my violin teacher thinks i'll be able to play every single fucking thing for my course (coming up in a month) and my singing teacher thinks i'll easily learn a new way of speaking. or she doesn't actually think it's easy, she just says it's the only way. when i talk i use way too many muscles and it's a real problem when you sing and you should have only the necessary muscles working and nothing more. i use my neck and my jaw when i speak. i should be able to use my lips and tongue and get the power from my fucking legs and stomach and back. i tell you, i almost fainted in my lesson today, i was just so tired my body started to shiver.
and i'm having mixed feelings about my crush. i'm always trying to make a contact with him which usually goes well. he has a habit of staring at me and being so shy it's frustrating. today i got so angry at him (no one noticed though, i just kept on drawing a hat to a person in my book at my economy class). such a wussie, if he likes me why can't he just talk to me or ask me out or something that would make things happen? perhaps i'm just imagining things and he doesn't stare at me, like me or treat any different from the others. it's very likely. but is my intuition so wrong? i usually can tell if someone's interested and they have a habit of coming to me about it - i've just never found those guys attractive, don't know what it is. this is my first real crush that i think has some potential, the guys is GREAT, but i'm just so tired of trying to chase him around. i think he has no clue i'm into him. or perhaps he doesn't like me. what the hell, i'm a mess.
Blog Category: Music
Playing (Music): paramore - my heart
Current mood: exhausted
Added on: 29/02/2008 13:47:38
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just wondering
i'm really tired and relieved since today was my school's music production's last performance and finaly my weird, hectic week is over. it was great, but i'm not gonna miss the small unisex dressing rooms, hours of practise, no food and the horrible amounts of make-up and hairspray - we were cats so we really had A LOT OF MAKE-UP. or i guess i might miss it. but i need to rest first.
so i have a huge crush. it's draining all my energy to come up with things to distract myself with. the music production was a great one and now i'm having my spring break and going to another city to visit my mother. thank god tomorrow is an actual school day so i get to see that person again. in a way i hate having this incredible desperate crush but on the other hand when i see him and talk with him i get so high it makes no sense.
i'm a little coward. i get terrified thinking about talking to him. still i'm gonna do it. we're sort of friends so it should be no big deal but it's still a big step for me. i'm finaly confident enough to make a move (YEA RIGHT). when we talk it's easy and awesome and we just CONNECT (i'm such a naive little creature and i love it) and i'm so sure that he likes me back. he's so shy it's frustrating but it just means that i have a new clear goal. I HAVE TO MAKE THIS THING HAPPEN.
god i'm tired.
Blog Category: Life
Playing (Music): maj karma - luovuttanut enkeli
Current mood: tired
Added on: 28/02/2008 13:47:16
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i'm really retarded and seriously i don't know to hit on guy
whenever i like boy i can barely look at them. i don't know what i'm afraid of. if i talked to them or looked at them and they might think i'm into them, would that be so horrible? i don't know how these things work. right now i'm really messed up since i like this guy. i can't consentrate on anything and i feel like i'm high or something. he's in my school and i see him everyday, we talk sometimes but not so much since i can't say hello to him because i'm just that shy and stupid.
how do you hit on a guy? i'd really like know. this guy seemed to really like me last fall and now i'm being all paranoid and stuff. life goes by and i never do anything about my emotions. that's STUPID.( i just write bad songs.)
i must get a grip. tomorrow i start looking up from my shoes. i'm a social person, people like me and i'm funny and let's face it, not so bad-looking. i'm talented. if i like a boy why should it always be a dark secret? what's wrong with a little romance?
Blog Category: Romance and Relationships
Playing (Music): paramore
Current mood: irritated
Added on: 20/02/2008 10:31:27
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nothing specific
my life's been pretty stressful, angsty and sort of hopeless lately, but now i'm starting to feel a lot better. i spent the last week studying my ass off and dealing with horrible family drama and fighting my head. the test week is over and so is my drama, or atleast i've got some control over it. this weekend i just hung out with my friends, ate good food, went to my theatre club practise and played music. now i feel that even if life was to kick me i'd pull it through (i've never been good with stress).
lately i've been listening to a lot of mainstream music i never thought i'd listen and i like it. it feels good to know that i'm not too arrogant and that i can give the succesful bands a change to win me over :D
Blog Category: Life
Playing (Music): Nine inch nails - you know what you are
Current mood: drained
Added on: 03/02/2008 14:15:07
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