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rapist
In attempting to warn women against the danger of rape. All men are potential rapists."
What a horrible way to live. Who wants to go through life in fear of one half of the human race? Much less believe this about those we love and are intimate with. The idea behind any learning should be to improve the quality of life, not degrade it. To this end, let’s leave the wild paranoia of ‘possible’ rape scenarios and move onto the more solid footing of ‘probable’ and 'very likely' - and what you can do about it.
Someone rightly said, "Dishonest people are seldom dishonest in only one aspect of their lives." In the same vein, the predilections that can, and do, lead to rape are not isolated. They tend to permeate a person's character and be regularly displayed in many small ways and in other areas. These attitudes, behaviors and words are consistent among rapists and those who attack others. And IF you are willing to look, they are easy to spot.
The reason it is impossible to predict who will and won't sexually assault someone is because how these behaviors manifest is a matter of style and preference. One person might choose to be blatant and habitually physically attack others, while another might be more subtle but verbally attack others on a regular basis. The motives are the same, but the style is utterly different. And that is why it is hard to predict who will and won't use sexual assault.
What we can accurately predict is something bad will arise out of these character traits, the When, Where and How are impossible to predetermine.
If you see these behaviors in a person, take care. The more you see, the more care should be taken not to be alone him. Even if he doesn’t rape, these behaviors indicate serious character flaws.
While there are others, these behaviors are serious indicators of a potential rapist. This short list should acquaint you with the basics. Not all men are rapists, but a person like this has a higher probability than others. You not only find these traits among rapists and abusers, but also professional criminals. Philosophically there is little difference between such, they are all selfish. Most often it is just a matter of degrees, style and choice of victims.
So slick he could slide up hill
One Saturday morning our college-aged daughter, who had come back for a visit, mentioned she was dating someone who had been convicted of sexual assault. Marc tried to mask his immediate reaction by taking a sip of coffee. What nearly caused a caffeinated spraying of the room was her follow up comment "But it's okay, he explained to me what happened and it wasn't his fault."
Of course it wasn't his fault...and while we're at it, let's frees everybody in prison because they are innocent - and they will tell you that too.
When we mentioned the possibility that he probably lied about, or at the very least spin doctored, his version of events she proudly told us that "she had checked it out" by asking his best friend. She then proceeded to tell us a long litany of behavior that was bordering on stalking. We told her to drop him faster than an annoyed scorpion.
What was most disturbing was her outrage at our reaction. Why were we getting so upset, she knew 'what she was doing' and 'she could take care of herself.' This kind of gullibility born of both willful ignorance and arrogance is what leads people into danger. And she had a double-dose of both.
Fortunately, she broke it off with him shortly after returning to school, so nothing bad ever occurred. She was able to "flitterygibbit" off to other things convinced that mom and dad were once again over-reacting and being paranoid. She is, unfortunately, our risk taker. She insists on regularly putting herself into situations like that.
We mention this story because there is an old saying: You can't cheat an honest man. If you don't have much experience with the underbelly of life, that comment doesn't seem to make sense. But it is very true. That is because most swindles rely on the mark's greed. It is the person who avarice is trying to get a ludicrously low price or an unrealistic high return who is going to get hustled. Whereas an honest person knows this isn't right. You don't get those kinds of prices and returns in legitimate business. If someone is offering them, then something is wrong. And yet because of greed, the mark proceeds with the deal.
In the same vein, a smooth talking individual can only convince you of something if you want to believe what he is saying. And the more you want to believe the less convincing he will have to do. But without this willingness to ignore common sense on your part, even the smoothest con-artist has no power and no chance to harm you.
The reason for this side trip into the nature of con artists is to acquaint you with the fact that many rapists will attempt to mask, justify, make light of, or explain away the dangerous behaviors that we have mentioned. How they will do this is totally unpredictable at this time -- as it depends on the individual and his opinion and assessment of you. Know right now however, that he will tailor his response to what he thinks will work best with you. So it is going to sound real convincing when it comes your way.
Having said that however, there are several common tactics. The first is to make light of it. To claim that he was just joking about a verbal attack. To "blow off" a significant event with a flip or short comment as though it didn't matter.
Another common dodge is to minimize others by focusing on him. He was justified in doing what he did because his emotions were hurt or because the other person did something to him first.
Bullying is often common. The subject is closed because it angers or upsets him. Or they will have a long and elaborate storied how it really wasn't their fault. These stories however, while tending to have great depths in some areas are prone to be as shallow as a puddle in a parking lot when it comes to their involvement. Not about what they did or what they were feeling - those are in depth areas - but rather why they chose a course of action that they knew was wrong. That will be quickly glazed over. Unfortunately this subject has massive influence on everything else they are telling you. But if they can baffle you with BS about other details, you won't notice that this issue is prominently lacking in their story.
It is not uncommon for them to try to turn it around onto you. Your reaction to their action is wrong: That is what they will try to convince you. You are being narrow-minded and mean spirited. Don't you know it was just a joke? How can you be so unforgiving to hold him accountable for something that wasn't his fault? Or a very common one how you cans be so unreasonable, look how reasonable about this he is trying to be.
No matter what tactic someone takes there is always a core fortification of "me" that is involved in his arguments. It is hard to describe, but once you have learned how to recognize it, it is always there. This fortification is never touched. It is always talked around or quickly skipped over. And that area that is never addressed is accepting personal responsibility for one's actions.
Another issue that is never mentioned is their responsibility to interact with others on an equal basis. It is always how other people are affecting them. Or how much they have done and how hard they have tried to make things work. There is no recognition that their words or actions might have affected someone just as, if not deeper than they themselves were effected.
If you can remove your emotional involvement from the equation, you will clearly see how people attempt to hide these behaviors. But before you can remove your emotional investment you must critically review your motives. What are you getting out of the situation? What do you expect to get out of the situation? What are you afraid of losing if you were to allow yourself to see this behavior and recognize its significance?
With out daughter, it was that this man was from a well to do family and spent money on her. He would take her out; buy her entertainment, dinner, drinks and gifts. Which for a ‘broke’ college student is very appealing? Because she was benefiting from the association, she chose to ignore the danger signals and accept a shallow and biased explanation of past events. It wasn't until his obsessive behavior became annoying to her that she decided that the profit wasn't worth the pain.
That which is hateful the great rabbinical scholar Hilled is supposed to have been woken up in the middle of the night by a skeptic. The skeptic demanded Hilled explain the whole of the Torah in ten words or less. He replied "What is hateful unto you, do not do unto others -- the rest is commentary" and then Hilled rolled over and went back to sleep.
Rapists tend to be very selfish people. While there is a chance of a rape occurring because an otherwise "nice guy" makes a bad and selfish decision, this is an exception rather than the rule. Usually people who rape others have long shown a consistent pattern of attitude and behavior. The sexual assault is another, albeit more extreme, manifestation of this kind of mindset.
This however brings up an interesting point. Bad behavior tends to be tolerated only by people who are expecting you to tolerate theirs.
If you are engaged in selfish behavior, you will eventually find yourself surrounded only by other selfish people. This shift is gradual and oft times not noticed by the individual. Once you start down this road, it becomes a matter of degrees - which is more selfish. And when that happens it is not a question of "if" bad things will happen but rather "when?"
If you see these warning signs we have talked about her, do not choose to ignore them. Do not minimize them. Do not assume that you can control the situation. That is an assumptio
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Valentines Day
Let me introduce myself. My name is Valentine. I lived in Rome during the third century. That was long, long ago! At that time, Rome was ruled by an emperor named Claudius. I didn't like Emperor Claudius, and I wasn't the only one! A lot of people shared my feelings.
Claudius wanted to have a big army. He expected men to volunteer to join. Many men just did not want to fight in wars. They did not want to leave their wives and families. As you might have guessed, not many men signed up. This made Claudius furious. So what happened? He had a crazy idea. He thought that if men were not married, they would not mind joining the army. So Claudius decided not to allow any more marriages. Young people thought his new law was cruel. I thought it was preposterous! I certainly wasn't going to support that law!
Did I mention that I was a priest? One of my favorite activities was to marry couples. Even after Emperor Claudius passed his law, I kept on performing marriage ceremonies -- secretly, of course. It was really quite exciting. Imagine a small candlelit room with only the bride and groom and myself. We would whisper the words of the ceremony, listening all the while for the steps of soldiers.
One night, we did hear footsteps. It was scary! Thank goodness the couple I was marrying escaped in time. I was caught. (Not quite as light on my feet as I used to be, I guess.) I was thrown in jail and told that my punishment was death.
I tried to stay cheerful. And do you know what? Wonderful things happened. Many young people came to the jail to visit me. They threw flowers and notes up to my window. They wanted me to know that they, too, believed in love.
One of these young people was the daughter of the prison guard. Her father allowed her to visit me in the cell. Sometimes we would sit and talk for hours. She helped me to keep my spirits up. She agreed that I did the right thing by ignoring the Emperor and going ahead with the secret marriages. On the day I was to die, I left my friend a little note thanking her for her friendship and loyalty. I signed it, "Love from your Valentine."
I believe that note started the custom of exchanging love messages on Valentine's Day. It was written on the day I died, February 14, 269 A.D. Now, every year on this day, people remember. But most importantly, they think about love and friendship. And when they think of Emperor Claudius, they remember how he tried to stand in the way of love, and they laugh -- because they know that love can't be beaten!
Blog Category: Romance and Relationships
Added on: 06/02/2008 08:28:04
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