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i'm really retarded and seriously i don't know to hit on guy
whenever i like boy i can barely look at them. i don't know what i'm afraid of. if i talked to them or looked at them and they might think i'm into them, would that be so horrible? i don't know how these things work. right now i'm really messed up since i like this guy. i can't consentrate on anything and i feel like i'm high or something. he's in my school and i see him everyday, we talk sometimes but not so much since i can't say hello to him because i'm just that shy and stupid.
how do you hit on a guy? i'd really like know. this guy seemed to really like me last fall and now i'm being all paranoid and stuff. life goes by and i never do anything about my emotions. that's STUPID.( i just write bad songs.)
i must get a grip. tomorrow i start looking up from my shoes. i'm a social person, people like me and i'm funny and let's face it, not so bad-looking. i'm talented. if i like a boy why should it always be a dark secret? what's wrong with a little romance?
Blog Category: Romance and Relationships
Playing (Music): paramore
Current mood: irritated
Added on: 20/02/2008 10:31:27
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nothing specific
my life's been pretty stressful, angsty and sort of hopeless lately, but now i'm starting to feel a lot better. i spent the last week studying my ass off and dealing with horrible family drama and fighting my head. the test week is over and so is my drama, or atleast i've got some control over it. this weekend i just hung out with my friends, ate good food, went to my theatre club practise and played music. now i feel that even if life was to kick me i'd pull it through (i've never been good with stress).
lately i've been listening to a lot of mainstream music i never thought i'd listen and i like it. it feels good to know that i'm not too arrogant and that i can give the succesful bands a change to win me over :D
Blog Category: Life
Playing (Music): Nine inch nails - you know what you are
Current mood: drained
Added on: 03/02/2008 14:15:07
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this title should probably be really dramatic and angsty or just sort of artistic...
people can't get over their panic attacks just by avoiding crowded places. i'd like to eat in the cafeteria of my school and make new friends and enjoy my free little life, but one of my best friends can't make it into those places. all her life she's been bullied about her russian blood and about how she's overweight and even though she's amazingly funny and clever and social and has SO many friends and a loving boyfriend she's still awfully traumatized by the bullying. i hate people who treat other people like that - my friend only got overweight because of her medicine that she had to take in order to make it into school every morning. she's had panic attacks and she even spent a couple of months in a "special" school, but still her bullies call her fat and laugh at her whenever they see her.
these things make me really upset. i hate the fact that even though me and my friend are now at the best school in the world, where no one would ever treat other people like that, she can't enjoy it the way she should.
Blog Category: Life
Playing (Music): nine inch nails - right where it belongs
Current mood: exhausted
Added on: 17/01/2008 13:51:36
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wakeup call
god i hate my father. well, that's no news since he's been addicted to alcohol my whole life, but just resently, when my mother filed for divorce (she's been living in an another city for like two years, just working, yeah right, she had enough long ago) he started this whole "i'm a changed man"- act and stopped drinking and started to buy me and my sister tons of candy and also went jogging a lot. (i think he just didn't think the divorce was gonna happen.) i believe he started to think things are fine between us and that he could easily be the real father figure all over again. ( he stayed home taking care of me when i was small) i don't actually talk to him unless i ask for money or say something mean and ironic. yesterday he told me to be nicer.
last night i couldn't sleep very well since my father was having a little party in our kitchen with one of his weird friends who like to stare at me and my sister. they were totally drunk and my father kept telling him to shut up so we wouldn't wake up. apparently they had a real fight too (they shouted something like "hit me! hit me!" i hope it wasn't s&m). since i'm used to this i got back to sleep but every now and then i woke up because they were so loud (i stayed in my room). when it was almost 7 am my sister sent me a textmessage saying "let's get out of here" and so we did.
we got our things and called one of my friends and went over to her place to get some coffee.
i felt like crap the whole day. it was like i had a black cloud over my head and it kept on raining on me. when i got home my dad wasn't here and i really realized this house doesn't mean anything to me. i decided to move no matter what. otherwise i couldn't look myself at the mirror anymore - too many years i've just been whining in the corner. and i'm tired of the ambiance of this place. i get depressed just looking at this house.
finally my mother promised to help me to find my own place when my sister goes to college (next fall). i'm younger and i have atleast two years left of my upper secondary school. finally things are happening.
Blog Category: Life
Playing (Music): the white stripes - icky thump
Current mood: determined
Added on: 16/01/2008 12:41:51
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single and happy about it!
one of my new friends asked me today why am i alone, why don't i have a boyfriend.
why is it okay for people to ask that? i think she would find it offensive if i asked her how can she be in a relationship? i mean, boys can be great, i'd love to find out the whole sex-thing, but i'm happy as a single gal :) i'm free to whatever i want to, i don't even have parents with enough aucthority to stop me from doing things, the only thing stopping me is the lack of money (i mean travelling and going to gigs kind of things). i can flirt and check out the hot young men there are and i can be really selfish when i think about my future. i'm happy and proud to be single, it's not that i'm "unlucky" (picky i just might be)!
i get crushes all the time but they just go by as quickly as they appeared. the guys who like me aren't really my type, and they usually become even more impossible when i turn them down. they get needy and call me all the time and tell me how much they love me, even if they had spoken to me two times during their lives. i think being emotional is good, but i don't want to be helpless and not complite on my own.
in the end, a boyfriend might be nice. i want to experience those things related to sharing and sex, since i know nothing about them. but i'm certainly not missing my other half.
Blog Category: Romance and Relationships
Playing (Music): nine inch nails - metal
Current mood: annoyed
Added on: 03/01/2008 07:03:12
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