[Venting] I can honestly say this is the worst I’ve ever felt.[Warning: You WILL think I'm i
You ever get that feeling where you just want to literally grab a knife, rip open your throat with it, throw it down, and dig into your own blood and flesh until you find your vocal chords, and violently rip them out so you can't scream, making sure no one can hear your cries as you lay crumbled on the floor, dying from your own hands? If you said yes, then you've got problems. But honestly, I must be insane, because I feel so much worse than that. Really. I want to watch such a gory movie right now. Any suggestions? I'll think of the victim being myself. It'll be so much fun.
My reason for feeling this way? I'm honestly not going to say. I think whoever it is that makes me feel this way knows who they are. I don't want them to feel bad for me. I don't want them scared of me. I want them with me. It hurts so much to think of being with them again, but it would feel so nice to do so. "Painfully Perfect" is a good way to say it. I can't think of them with another at all. If I think of what happened, it brings stinging tears to my eyes, thinking it was a special moment for both of us, but it wasn't. I was being used. I'm just another to add to the list. I think of him and what happened every second of my life, and I thought life was going so smoothly for me for just once in my life, with all the crap I've been going through for the past three years since I've been back in Mayfield. But I guess I was dead wrong. Dead, dead wrong. And it kills. I'm so fragile, so easy to kill, and it's happening slowly in front of me. Love is nothing you can find these days without constantly hurting because it turned out so morally wrong. "For fun"?! WTF? You're not supposed to make a girl feel that she's wanted, and then just throw it away like any other time, you sick bastard! You don't do it that way.That's just so wrong to do. INFORM THEM before you decide to make them think they're wanted for once in their life. Honestly. That's low. I'm seeing you very soon, and it's going to be oh so painfully blissful. I don't have enough common sense or guts to stop being around you, and I admit it. Being gone from you is like taking a wing away from a bird; without that wing, it's nothing. It's just a bird sitting on it's deathbed, slowly awaiting it's own death. This is the most I've ever felt for anybody, ever before, to be completely and brutally honest. It hurts to think so. I have to literally hold myself together, wrapping my arms around my torso, to make sure I'm not being ripped in half. I cringe everytime I think of how wrong I was to think you thought of me like I think of you that one day. And if you're actually really reading this, I'm so sure you're going to ignore me now. Don't deny it, you'll only be hurting yourself. I understand.. It's okay... "And all those nights we spent together never felt this fucking cold."
~BP
Blog Category: Life
Playing (Music): Warbrain by Alkaline Trio
Current mood: Used
Added on: 30/05/2008 02:22:22
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