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Of Prophets and Homesickness
im putting this under religion seeing as im at a prophetic confrence. which is a place where prophets (people with vision of the future form God come to tell what they've seen) in Maui.
Yesterday was pretty much an all day church. we heard from 3 speakers had lunch, and then went to callout rooms to be individually prophisezed over.
mine was pretty intense. he said stuff about me having a very complex mind. seeing things others didnt. then he spoke of how i was always trying to fix broken people. how i took on many seemingly helpless cases, and how i loved fixing the broken. then he spoke of me being broken. he said my heart had been bleeding since i was 13 and 5months, and that God was going to fix it for me.
i began cutting at 13 and 5 months. when i became depressed.
anyway. im a little homesick . okei well not homesick so much as missing my friends a little, and relizing how much i actually like pgh.
im sorta exctied about school. i think i have missed it. even tho i wish i cud live at maxes dads for forever just hangin.
thats all for now.
Blog Category: Religion and Philosophy
Playing (Music): sound of a crappy air conditioner
Current mood: full of sushi
Added on: 31/08/2008 22:54:28
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home
fuck i hate that word. home. home is where the heart is. home is where people who care about u r. home is where ur most comfortable. its where u live. in your home ur surrounded by love.
yeah, sure.
what if all those things dont all add up? then which ones right? what the fuck is home? its obviously where u live right? but then theres those philosophical morons who say shit like 'home is where ur surrounded by people who love u'
sure thats nice for a friday night special on CBS but in the real world how many kids can say that? how many believe it?
i dont know if i do. i've always said the word home with an undertone of distain. like 'oh fuck guys i've got to go <i>home</i>'
i mean yea its my house and i love it in a sick rejected kind of way. i mean im the most comfortable there (at least when im alone). i have lived there for 16 years after all. i love my room. in it i dont give a fuck. i can do what i want, and never worry about people thinking im gross or fat or dumb or annoying or any of the things that i usually worry about in the back of my head. its home, i guess.
but it isnt home, like everyone else. i mean, feeling comfy and shit in ur room isnt exactly the greatest fucking description of home. its a sucky ass one. i wudnt cash my check on that shit for anything.
you see my house isnt exactly somewhere you pine over. i mean you dont sit there and think 'fuck i really want to go over to Narcis cas her house is pimping uber hardcore'
no its more like 'i hope i dont have to walk into her house this time. i mean its so ghetto, and it smells. im not quite sure what it is, but it isnt fun.'
i want a home, with a family. wit the generic sitcom mums and shit.
i got a mum and a sister where i live. (daddy got out, the lucky fuck) mommy dearest seems to be bipolar. i know shes clinicly depressed and i once heard her say it was manic depression which is bipolar disorder. and frankly it fits her personality. one minute she loves u and wud do anything for and the next day she want s u out of the house for forever. she constantly said things hinting at me being fat when i was younger, and acting as if my equally unfit sister was a supermodel. she says hurtful things just for the hell of it, and even talks about my friends derogativley.
my sister, torments me. not in the she is actually tormanting me way, like teasing, no. not that. (i mean she does that, in a sadistic way but idrc) she makes me feel guilty. i feel horrid around her. i havent been much of a sister at all. i ignored her for a long time and now shes like the most fucked up person i know. and its hard for me to start being a sister now. im ashamed. i cant do anything around her, without feeling like i let down every fiber of the universe because i let her down. how can u go through life knowing the only person u were ever responsible for, the only person who NEEDED your help was let down by u? by ur sheer ignorance and uncaring nature? because u were 'depressed' for a year or so.
the mental abuse suffered in this house makes it hard for me to call it a home.
but if i had the chance to get a normal family today, if i cud just *poof* and be somewhere else with people who loved me, or if my family changed completely, i dont hink i cud handle it.
i think i will always be untrusting. i'll always look at family members and wonder if they will molest a small child. look at a father and see them cheating, look at a mother and see her jealous of her child, hating her. everytime someone uses the bathroom i'll wonder if theyre shooting drugs. and everytime i go to hug someone i'll feel uncomfortable.becaus e the feeling of family love almost disgusts me though i lust for it.
i mean, when movies make u almost cry jsut because a mother loves a daughter, its sick.
home.
my friends are like my family. i can love them easily.
and God is the closest thing i have to home.
~!NL?~
Blog Category: Life
Playing (Music): home-daughtry
Current mood: that feeling where ur about to cry
Added on: 26/08/2008 18:12:40
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orignally posted on vampirefreaks.com
seriously kids, lets quit tha shit. look at this drama. all i hear is 'she did this' and 'he said that' and its stupid. why do you guys have to be mean to each other? if you dont like one another why talk to each other? just say 'hey man quit talking to me' and then ignore them. i mean you dont need this kind of conflict in your lives. just be friends with friends, and be civil to your non-friends. And let your friend have THEIR friends. if your friend is friens with your mortal enemy, just let it be. be nice for fuck sake. your too old for this bullshit.
so my final note. fuck drama. i want nothing of it.
Blog Category: Friends
Playing (Music): liberate your mind-disturbed
Current mood: a little sweaty with an undertone of anxiaty
Added on: 23/08/2008 19:36:40
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mosh or pass out? you decide!
so the 2nd was the rockstar mayhem festival. and i was plastered. i was not tipsy i was toppled.
which is kind of a shame. we decided to drink with my friend maxes friends. 2 beers and alot of vodka later i was gone. i hadnt eaten since 1am, and had binged, drinking all of that in less than 20 minutes.
i was piss drunk before we hit addmissons. and was whinign for my friend mini like a baby for its mommy. begging him to make me sober enough to walk or at least see. it was like squinting really bad.
luke stayed with me all day. making sure i didnt pass out or throw up. or do both and die. he tryed feeding me tho i was very uncoropperative, and spat it out. screaming about being 'fat'
being wasted took everyting out of my head and put it in my mouth. i screamed and cried about jons death for a long time. i had had a dream about him days earlier. (he was in my new homeroom at school, but i knew it was his memory or something and that he'd be gone soon, and he held me confused as i cried over his eminate death, the entire dream was sobbing as he held me).
i finally told luke i loved him tho i blabbed it sadly confessing to having been to scared to tell him. (u get left like that and say u dont doubt things)
however i have no doubts that he really does love me. no thoughts that i might have been a rebound. u dont feed french fries to ur drunk girlfriend, or drag her wasted ass around cas she cant walk if she doesnt mean alot to u. i am very proud of him, and his taking care of me. though i feel insanely guilty.
he had lost his ticket the morning of the concert, having had washed it in his pocket, and i got him a new one. so now we're square.
alot of my friends and people who i thought didnt like em helped me . took me to the bathroom, help him carry me and stuff.
i passed out in the bathroom th and hit my head on something hard. i also hit morgan, and flashed missy, i bit sum kid named noah, but i was mostly good.
i am issed about only being semu coherrent for 5fdp. but am glad i saw disturbed and slipknot, both were INSANE! i headbanged so much and am in so much pain.
i found so many mysterious injurys from passing out and such. bruises everywhere.
i wish i hadnt gotten drunk. yet some okei things came of it.
i really do love him.
i shant drink at concerts anymore.
~!NL?~
Blog Category: Music
Playing (Music): my fan in the backround, no music right now.
Current mood: feeling foolish at the memories
Added on: 04/08/2008 22:27:23
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R.I.P. Jonathan Michael Giesler
so, this last weekend was kinda bad.
well, really bad.
why? well, as u can tell by my subject title, my friend jon has died.
it was sudden and tragic, and i never thot it cud happen, or wud happen to him. or anyone i knew, but deffinatly not him.
it happened on saturday morning. around 4am. he was out getting drunk with sum friends, like always, and they brot out a gun. they were shooting targets and sumone dared him to put one on his head. he did, but they missed.
he was a great person. he was fun and smiled alot. he was the kind of person who bought u cherry ice cream without even asking u to pay him back. The kind of guy who would help u escape out of the mall after jumping into the fountain, practically carrying u. The kid who could scream sing, and slap u so hard on the ass that it stung. the kid u were so comfortable with that u ddnt relize u were too close.
his funeral was sad. geri cried so hard she couldnt breathe, or take he asthma meds. she was screaming at the top of her lungs in the car. i think it scared me.
brooke was really upset, she couldnt touch him, she just kept saying 'it doesnt look like jon' and that he 'looks like a maniquin'
it was horrible. i was really upset. his mother was so nice, and she misses him so much.
i dont even think his asshole father showed up.
oh well other than that, geri broke up with mini the other day.
idk wat to say about that.
~!NL?~
Blog Category: Friends
Playing (Music): sing-dresden dolls
Current mood: reminiscant
Added on: 06/06/2008 13:26:38
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